Day 27 - Chicago

Today we visited the Field Museum of Natural History, which was all a bit too nerdy to even bore you with. Needless to say it involved a 3D T-Rex movie session.

After three hours of Nerdism, we went to the John Hancock centre, which is a 96 storey skyscraper. We found a tourist desk where a lady tried to sell us $15 tickets for views from an observatory on the 94th floor. We said we’d heard there was a bar where you could enjoy the same view merely by purchasing a drink, to which she told us ‘there is no real view from that room’. After a bit of persistence this suddenly changed to ‘there is a view but it’s not 360 degrees’. We did the math - $15 for 94th floor with no beer or $10 (beer cost) on the 96th floor with a beer, well you know which way we headed. The view was stella!

We got back to the hotel late afternoon and turned on the weather channel to find out that one of the biggest storms in 50 years was about to hit Chicago and the exact areas where we were meant to be driving the next day. When the over excited weather man described the storm as ‘bomb of genesis’ us amateurs took him for his word and were convinced we were in for a big one.

After informing the hotel that we would be staying another night, we did what any normal human beings would do to prepare for the bomb, we hit the pub. We found ourselves at the bar across the road - Timothy O’Toole’s. This was a very serious sports bar.  In total it had 42 plasma TVs showing ‘Monday Night Football’.

Realising that we could be couped up in our hotel room for the entirety of the next day, we headed to seven-eleven to stock up on supplies. Two boxes of Coronas and a bottle of champagne in our arms, Jon thought it best to warn everyone we encountered between the shop and our hotel about this approaching apocalypse. To his surprise most were either unaware of this ‘bomb of genesis’ or not nearly as excited about it as us. We got back to the hotel and battened down the hatches! 

Day 26 Memphis – Chicago, Illinois

We departed Memphis around 11am and made our way to Chicago, Illinois. After experiencing superb weather the entire trip, we weren’t too sad when we encountered our first real rainfall. As we drove into Chicago around 8.30pm however; the weather became quite extreme with severe thunderstorms and extremely heavy rain making driving quite difficult. For this reason, we can excuse Keanan for driving up the footpath. Even though he’s hit the curb twice previously on the trip, we commend his ability to drive entirely up on the footpath this time, and with no scratches. We’re sure it was just the weather, not  Keanan’s driving at fault.

By the time we had settled into our hotel and with another time zone change, we found ourselves ordering food through a delivery service again. Or should we say a cheese delivery service. Jon and Keanan’s lasagnes and Malena’s pizza slices must have contained about 2 kilos of cheese all up. The food did not turn up until about 12.30am, which made for some easy sleeping.

Day 25 – Memphis

We awoke early (well early for us) and headed for breakfast at Arcade Restaurant, the oldest café in Memphis. After over three weeks here you’d think we’d have learned something, but when Jon ordered the ham and cheese sandwich, what he thought was a safe bet, no one imagined he would be faced with eating a kilo ham steak combined with a kilo of the usual fluorescent yellow cheese, in a roll the size of a boat. The lightweight only made it through a third before declaring defeat.

After filling our bellies we made our way to the world famous Graceland, former home of Elvis Presley. We paid $10 for parking, walked into the ticket office, saw how long the line was for tickets, and how long the line was for the shuttle bus to the mansion, and we turned around and walked out. We did visit the gift shop though.

We spent the afternoon at the Memphis River Arts Festival, where the streets were blocked off and several stages were setup for live music. There was also loads of excellent local artwork on display.

We found ourselves sampling some local soul music(and beer) while watching The Tim Terry Experience. The lead singer, surprisingly named Tim Terry, liked to talk about himself quite a bit, not to mention giving countless name drops of the radio stations that play his music. The music was awesome(not), in an 80’s daggy finger clicking, stepping side to side kinda way. 

Day 24 – New Orleans - Memphis, Tennessee

We left New Orleans mid-afternoon and headed toward the home of all things, Elvis - Memphis, Tennessee. We stopped late afternoon at McDonalds in Canton, Mississippi, to utilise their free wifi to book our accommodation for Memphis. Two problems occurred here, one the wifi did not work and two; we ended up eating some double cheeseburgers. Keanan and Jon were the only crackers to be seen in the entire Maccas store, staff included.

We arrived in Memphis in the evening with no accommodation. The first hotel we tried was full but luckily the Benchmark Hotel next door was not. Once we checked in and entered the room we realised why. The shower alternated erratically between one of two temperatures: scalding hot or icy cold, there was a cockroach situation and we also copped top dollar charges for walking in off the street! We couldn’t complain about the location though. A short wander down the street and we had a bag of southern fried chicken to feed a nation.

Day 23 – New Orleans

The day started with us heading to a café for lunch in the French quarter. The restaurant looked like just an average café, but the service was an experience in itself. Our waitress, who we nicknamed Big Momma was a middle aged African American lady who ended every sentence with “honey”, “sweetie” or “baby”. She also threw in a “that’s my gal!” when Malena ordered a second glass of wine. We called her Big Momma because she treated us like we were her children, mainly Keanan anyway. Big Momma made sure he ate all his cauliflower and also made sure he tasted the bread by buttering it for him and reminding him “I’ll be back soon to check on you honey. Eat your vegetables!”. Service was terribly slow, but the food and Big Momma made it worth the wait!

We spent the second half of the day on a ‘city and cemetery tour’ which involved riding on a bus through all the interesting areas in and around New Orleans. This included the 9^th Ward, one of the areas affected harshly by Hurricane Katrina. Five years on and there is still plenty of visible damage.

Our tour guide’s ability to speak non-stop for the entire three hour tour was a feat in itself. Much to our delight she also ended every description of an area with “what did you think of that yo awl?”.

Ithaca to NEW YORK CITY!

Goodbye pot coffee!

Day 22 – New Orleans

Sandra Bullock's House

We decided to go on a walking haunted history tour because New Orleans has apparently had countless sightings of the paranormal and we all strongly believe in all that. Actually, we decided when we finally got up at lunch time that a tour would be a good idea and it was the only one available. After the two hour tour, Bourbon Street the night before was still our most disturbing experience in New Orleans.

After the tour we decided to have a drink away from the touristy areas at a bar called Touche. Here we met local empty-nester couple Mary and Don, who were out on their weekly date night. We think it was an excuse for Mary to get out and get smashed, because smashed she did get.

After countless rounds with Mary and Don, they showed us a few great places to party, including Mama’s – where we ate peanut butter burgers and laughed along with the barmaid while she sledged Keanan; and Pat O’Brien’s – a crowded little bar where two piano players would play your song if you slung ‘em a buck or two. Jon could not resist requesting the American national anthem (Star Spangled Banner), to see the whole room rise from their chairs, hands on hearts, tears in their eyes and patriotism at its best.

Don, an anaesthetist by trade, excused himself and Mary by stating that he had to wake up in the morning and save lives. A soft explanation, but we let it slide.

Day 21 – Austin, Texas to Louisiana, New Orleans y’all

We headed off early in the morning and made out first stop at a park somewhere in Texas to test out our gas burner for breakfast.  The scrambled organic eggs, peppered organic black bacon and organic field mushrooms was by far the best breakfast we have had on the trip, the pasty dry scrambled eggs and sugary bread of hotel buffets a distant memory!

We checked into our hotel in New Orleans and shortly after we found ourselves at infamous Bourbon Street. If you are unaware of Bourbon Street, think of something really seedy and times it by 10. There were strip clubs and disgusting bars stuck together within a one kilometre street, with plenty of graphic pics on the exterior of the finer establishments, just in case you mistook these places for a library or something. For those who still weren’t sure what these places were all about, strip club girls would be out the front trying to entice you in with their goods.

We headed to the Funky Pirate for some local music, with Big Al Johnson on vocals. Cheap and nasty drinks did flow…. from our plastic cups into the drain when we decided it wasn’t worth the pain!

Day 20 – Austin - Wholefoods

After a big night, we did not surface till late the next day. We headed off to a supermarket to get something to eat and stock up on supplies. After receiving some advice from a local on where to get some good coffee we were introduced to Wholefoods and it was love at first sight. This place was amazing! It sold every type of food conceivable, with most foods being organic or chemical-free. It also had an entire alley dedicated to beer, which Keanan and Jon certainly appreciated.

We could only reluctantly drag ourselves away from Wholefoods when we came to the realisation we’d spent a whole 3 hours walking around looking at stuff in a supermarket. Inspired not to eat any more crap on the trip (and with the knowledge Wholefoods is a supermarket chain all over the country) we bought some fresh produce and some cooking equipment: an indoor electric fry pan and an outdoor gas burner.

Dinner was Maine scallops and stuffed jalapeno peppers with organic asparagus, cooked to perfection by Jon of course - DELICIOUS!

Day 19 – Midland, Texas to Austin, Texas

Safe place to get your money out

Covering so many miles yesterday meant we only had another five hours or so between us and Austin. We arrived in the early afternoon to find out our hotel was in a very seedy part of the city. After a decent walk in the hot sun, without a map, hoping for Austin’s apparently non-existent café area to jump out at us, we found ourselves quite thirsty. We headed into a bar and were introduced to Texan brewed beer Lone Star. At $2 a pop, we suddenly became more thirsty,

Things got even better when we realised we were sitting a table away from some serious celebrities, not American, but Aussie. Adam and Joel Selwood were sucking down a few Bud Lights. Keanan and Jon acted like two little girls and were too shy to approach them, but they cleverly hid this from Malena by pretending they thought it best to respect their privacy, and that the last thing the Selwoods would want while on holiday in Austin was a couple of gushing footy fans competing for their admiration and attention. The fact Jon and Keanan continued to talk obsessively about the Selwoods well after they left the bar, and joked about running hotel to hotel in search of them only proved their indifference to the whole thing. Yep, that sounds right.

We headed back to our hotel not before we received some advice from our local homeless neighbours on what is good to see in the city.

We then headed out to hear some great local musicians. Keanan was so excited, he was bopping around like a little kid on a jumpy castle.

Day 18 – Boulder, Colorado via Roswell, New Mexico to Midland, Texas YEE-HA!

‘The truth is out there’

Today we drove 1100kms. We stopped for lunch in a small town in New Mexico that just so happened to be called Las Vegas. The boys were a little hesitant so we put our faith in a familiar restaurant and chose to grab something quick and easy from Burger King. Bad idea! It was some of the worst food we have ever eaten, made all the worse when we realised Las Vegas had managed to screw us over, a second time!

We took a slight detour from the highway so we could visit Roswell, New Mexico. Apparently this is the area were the United States Government covered up a UFO crash in 1947. Keanan (sci-fi nerd) had the chance to fulfil one of his life-long dreams when we attended the International UFO Research Centre and Museum. It quickly became apparent that the museum was cheap and tacky. We ventured into a couple of touristy shops on the main street and they were just as sad, so we quickly got out of this dump of a town and made our way to Midland, Texas.

                                                                                                                        

We were all weary from our long day on the road, but still excited to be in Texas. Jon was delighted to be greeted by a man at the check-in desk who looked like someone straight out of the film Deliverance. The lady who delivered our Dominos later when we realised we’d entered a different time zone and there was no other food available (honest!) was probably his wife/sister, both?

Day 17 – Boulder, Colorado

Joe

It was early afternoon by the time we managed to crawl out of bed and see Boulder in day light. We experienced great joy at finding some excellent coffee at a small café on a side street. Our joy soon changed to disappointment once we got talking to Joe, or should we say, once he got talking to us. Here are some points from his painful three hour monologue:

-       His highly decorated marine son led the war in Iraq and while doing so courageously spared the life of an Iraqi gang leader.

-       This great act of mercy apparently caused him to have ‘2000 pissed off marines’ on his hands.

-       All America’s leading meteorologists live in Boulder and 80% of the residents have Masters Degrees.

-       Oh, and the US has all the world’s bombs and according to Joe they should go ahead and blow up whoever they like.

Know the Denis Leary song Asshole? It was written about this guy.

Surely if not for our hangovers someone would have thought of a way outta there. At least Jon had his wits about him enough to decline Joe’s offer to take us on a drive to see some house that looked like a spaceship, yikes! We were eventually saved when our parking ticket expired and we had to mosey on home, day wasted!

Day 16 – Moab, Utah to Boulder, Colorado

Breakfast

Today’s menu began with some super healthy Burger King. Keanan ordered a medium coke the size of his head, and if you have seen his head you can imagine the capacity of this thing.

We arrived in Boulder at around 6pm after a stunning drive through the Rocky Mountains (and a couple of $1 servo hotdogs). While Keanan was a weirdo and went to the gym, Jon and Malena did what any other person on the planet would do and took advantage of the hotel’s two hour complimentary food and booze happy hour.

We then headed out to find some drinking bargains in this university town, and bargains we did find. Jon bought the first round which included 3 pints and 6 tequilas for a cost of $18. You see where this night is heading?

Day 15 - Sedona to Moab

On the drive from Sedona to Moab, we drove through several more stunning blink-and-you-miss-it landscape changes from scrub covered plains to Mars-like landscapes. We stopped for lunch in a nice little Utah town called Bluff. Pioneered by Mormons back in 1880, we thought Bluff might be the first time we experience intolerance toward alcohol consumption. Not to be deterred by the possibility of a cultural no-no, Jon ordered a beer straight up.

We spent that afternoon at Arches National Park. “Arches” is not your typical lush, green tree-filled park, it’s a rock park. Millions of years of wind erosion created a huge region full of monumental rock ‘sculptures’, including the famed arches.

That night we dined at Eddie McStiffs, a place affectionately known as McStiffy’s. Jon and Malena quickly fell in love with a local beer that just happened to have a 9% alcohol content. For the first time on the trip, possibly due to the effects of 9% beers, Malena’s insatiable appetite got the better of her. Malena decided she would top off her meal with a slice a Mexican chocolate cake. After one bite of that Mexican chocolate cake, Jon claimed it was ‘richest thing he’s ever eaten’ and ‘she’ll never finish that’. Well Malena took that as a challenge and smashed the entire cake. Thing is, 10 minutes later that cake smashed Malena and she had to head back to the room for sleepy, sleep’s. 

Day 14 - Sedona

We woke at sunrise to check out the view of the mountains from our private balcony before hitting the breakfast buffet. Malena was the youngest person in the café by at least 30 years (Vegas had aged Jon and Keanan by a good two decades), a good reminder the evils of Vegas were well behind us.

Keanan fell to his knees and kissed the pavement when we accidently found the town’s organic/health food supermarket. The words ‘kid’ and ‘candy store’ come to mind. He was particularly excited that they sold cheese that didn’t glow fluorescent orange in the dark. The guys were given more American cougar attention - “OMG, I luuuurve Australians, oh say something pleeeeaaaaaasssssssse”. The cougar in question even asked if we were free on Saturday. Something just didn’t seem quite right with this lady, so we nervously thanked her for her flattery, dropped our 3 month food supply at the hotel and headed for a day trip to Boynton Canyon, one of many hiking areas around Sedona.

That evening stocked up with cheeses, prosciutto and some Buellton Rosé, we sat up on one of the hills overlooking the town to watch Sedona’s famed sunset. Cloud cover meant it wasn’t the spectacular Sedona sunset we hoped to see, but it was still very pretty!

Day 13 - Las Vegas via the Grand Canyon to Sedona

Just a little bit of advice for anyone considering a trip to Vegas. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES STAY FOR 4 DAYS!

The Grand Canyon was absolutely amazing. The only problem with the Grand Canyon, it’s so huge it doesn’t seem real, it’s almost like you’re looking at a giant post card, instead of a real image. If you’re thinking about visiting the Grand Canyon and you have the, explore it by a helicopter or kayak tour.

From the Grand Canyon we headed to Sedona, a beautiful sleepy little town surrounded by trees, rivers and sweeping red rock hills and mountains. We rolled into town, tails between our legs and too broken to search for affordable accommodation. We decided to do it in style staying at the “Best, Best Western in North America”.  We spent that night soothing our aching bodies in an outdoor spa, gazing up at the night sky, mostly enjoying peace and quiet in between Keanan incoherent mumblings  about “Vegas…….credit card limit…..why………never again…….mumma”.

Day 10, 11 & 12 – Las Vegas & Hoover Dam

The married couple

The second married couple

The reception

Hoover Dam

Hoover dam

Hoover Dam gift shop

Hoover Dam gift shop

BLLUUUUUURR……$300 bottles of Moet…..BLUUUURRRRR

Day 9 – Yosemite via the Sierra Nevada to Vegas, baby!

                              

We got up in darkness and hit the road. From Yosemite we headed through winding mountain roads to Kings Canyon/Sequoia National Park, Sierra Nevada, home of the mighty Sequoia trees and more famously, the one they call General Sherman, the world’s biggest tree.

Knowing we still had several hours of driving to reach Las Vegas, we left General Sherman in Sega Rally style only to find that road works would mean we could not leave Sequoia National Park for another hour. **Our feelings of frustration did not last long because heading back towards General Sherman a mummy black bear and her two babies ran across the road in front of us… AWWW! On the other side of the road works we saw another two bears. One was perched on a bush like a bird, silly bears!

Just to give you an idea of the rapid and dramatic changes in America’s amazing terrain – at General Sherman we were at an elevation of over 7000 feet at a temp of five degrees.Three hours later when we drove into Vegas we were at 2000 feet and 26 degrees.

Goodbye to the beautiful scenery of the US. Hello Sin City, punish us gently - please!

**The boys would like to advise they do not condone the wording of the remainder of this paragraph.

Day 8 - Yosemite National Park

We left San Fran early in the morning over the Golden Gate Bridge, with an empty fuel tank and an even emptier stomach. The nearest petrol station just happened to be in a little town called Sausalito. We filled the fuel tank and after a short drive we found Fred’s. Fred's claim to fame is he apparently serves “the best breakfast in Sausalito since 1966”. After attempting to eat the 10 egg omelette, five potato hash brown and the soup bowl sized café latte (another typical meal from this country of all things big), we made our way to Yosemite National Park.
We arrived at Yosemite and headed for the base of Vernal Falls hike. Jon looked the part kitted out with hikers stubble and  Merrell walking shoes. Malena and Keanan dressed in 'trailer-park' tracky dacks and smooth soled urban shoes looked like they knew as much about hiking as a pasty white British tourist knows about sun-baking on a 42 degree day. It was an hours worth of blood, sweet and tears for our office worker weakened bodies but we finally reached Vernal Falls. Malena definitely looked in the best shape at the top of the falls, a credit to her ABT class obsession. However in saying this, equal credit should be given to Jon and Keanan. To complete such a gruelling climb when in possession of such full figured mid-sections is a testament to their incredible will power. 


 Words can’t describe the beauty of Yosemite. Standing at the top of the waterfalls looking down into the forests and rugged mountains stretched out for miles in front of us was so spectacular it was hard to accept it was real! We’ve already decided to come back to America to spend more time in places like this. One night is just not enough!

Day 7 - San Francisco

After a great night’s sleep in our dream 5 star hostel with our tea towel sized sheets and blankets, we headed into the heart of San Francisco. Malena had a hankering for some shopping while Keanan and Jon found themselves looking for a haircut in a very colourful part of the city called Tenderloin. The people of Tenderloin were quite interesting to say the least. The average number of legs per person was 1.5. They were never lonely though as they had themselves to talk to.

Once our girly activities were complete we caught a ferry to the island of Alcatraz. Most of you will be familiar with the island from the quality feature film The Rock. The island was home to the infamous gangster Al Capone.

Day 6 – California Highway 1 – better known as the Pacific Coast Highway

Some of California’s finest views: rocky sea cliffs, roaring surf, sandy coves, wildlife, historic towns - and Keanan Thayer regurgitating, burping and sleeping for most of it.

Our day began in Buellton with a coffee and Thayer’s first spew before we hit Highway 1. We stopped at Hearst Castle built by the famous media mogul William Hearst in the early 1900’s. The castle/ranch is the second biggest private property in the US. Hearst wasn’t what you would call an introvert, the gregarious old chap actually fitted 22 carat gold to his pool tiles. One of our companions on the tour, a lovely 16 year old boy asked many a fine question and provided loads of laughs for us later when trying to re-create his accent and the five mentions of ‘ummmmm’ ‘like’ and ‘totally awesome’ that preceded every sentence.

Elephant seals, feral squirrels and enormous seagulls that would have been much cooler if they were the condors we hoped to see made up all the wildlife seen on the drive, but this didn’t matter as the scenery alone was like, ummm, totally awesome.

The drive which took four hours included about 10 stops at different townships in search of the elusive North American bread roll. Malena had all but given up on life itself, repeating over and over “just find me a McDonalds Jon”, before Jon Buchanan came through with the goods.

A giant billboard of Kenny Loggins was a sign of things to come as Malena took the wheel for the first time and the team headed into the ‘danger zone’ that is San Fran.

Once we checked in, we headed out for dinner in China Town. We reached House of Nanking seven minutes before closing but they let us in (we are loving Californian service). Our lovely Chinese host  decided she would order for us and the food hit the table within 2.5 minutes (literally).The food was fantastic and before we knew it we were back out on the street wondering if that meal actually happened or if it was just  a dream.

Day 5 – Buellton Wine Country

For the first time on the trip Malena woke up feeling less than starving. This may have been due to the 35 different ‘sides’ that came with our meal last night at AJ Spurs Steak Ribs and Seafood in Buellton.

Today we went on a wine tour around the Santa Ynez Valley wine region (approximately 200km North of LA). It was a fantastic day, but we weren’t the only ones having a great time. At our first winery our esteemed host “Bradford” was smashing them back too.

The second winery doubled as a horse refuge for the stars. We had the absolute pleasure and privilege of meeting Eddie Van Halen’s horse. The afternoon was enjoyed sipping Pinot Grigios and sitting amongst the trees.

We won’t bore you with details of the third and fourth wineries, let’s face it, things were getting a little hazy by that stage anyway. All we need to say is that the moment had arrived to test out our American accents. We met a great couple so after the end of the tour we crashed their free, yes free, happy hour at their hotel for a few beers before heading to our dinner reservation at the Hitching Post, the last of our Sideways (the movie) experiences.

Santa Barbara

On the way to Santa Barbara, Keanan and Jon fulfilled one of their life long dreams by getting a photo with the Olsen twin’s Hollywood star on Hollywood Boulevard. Much to their surprise one of their other favourites Britney Spears was located right next to the twins. What a stellar period for inductees. 

After getting our fix of Hollywood royalty, we took the Chevy Malibu for our first decent drive and headed one and half hours north to Santa Barbara. It is surely one of the most stunning settings imaginable for a town, with the ocean on one side and the mountains on the other. As you would expect, this amazing setting comes with an affluent population. Even homeless people are living a more expensive lifestyle here, we saw one homeless guy wearing brand new sneakers and another offering free reality checks. 

USA Day 3 - Venice Beach

	the doors experience-people are strange.mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

The ten hour flight from Toyko to LA flashed by before our eyes. None of us were tired, so we decided to have a little party on the plane. Considering one of the staff commented, “I’m an air attendant, not a bar waitress”, we think we did a pretty good job of it.

We didn’t get a very good impression of LA airport, the 90 minutes through customs was not needed after a night of working the air attendants off their feet. The airport staff believed they were auditioning for COPS. Jon even received a “move on sir” for standing in the one spot for too long.

Venice Beach features a bustling, palm tree lined boardwalk, and is full of the craziest collection of weirdos you will ever come across. We saw one guy having a good old chat with a rubbish bin, chaka zulu wannabes complete with tats and blow pipe, budding hommy-gees trying to sell their latest CD (autographed of course) and dogs wearing sunglasses, just to mention a few. Keanan chickened out of doing an underwear walk because he was a little “fragile” from the night before, so he owes the group something later. Oh yeah, there was also a guy passed out on his bike outside our hotel.

Tokyo Day 2 - Bustling Metropolis

It’s Thursday night, we’re in the heart of Toyko - one of the world’s largest cities, a bustling metropolis of 30 million inhabitants and three travellers scared of chicken. After a hard day of taking in the sights, our bodies could no longer function without the fuel they require. Our tanks were just about empty, we had one shot, one opportunity to make this happen. Out of nowhere, like an oasis in the desert appeared the Harbor Inn (Japlish). We entered the bar and found we were outnumbered 2 staff to every one of us, five bar staff and our own private piano player performing on request. Instead of putting $10 in, we filled out tanks for the long journey home.